Dear reader, I haven’t felt so exhausted in ages and I’m grateful for being able to manage countless challenges I wished for this year. This time I will entirely write about what I wished for, what I feared and hopefully will I be able to write down, what I really want.
September, also known as fashion month, has been more than exciting for me. I found my words to make sense of the subjects I couldn’t help but writing, sent out CV’s, worked intensively and had finally been able to produce a new edit, from scratch and supported by many talented Berlin based artists. I still feel like dreaming, being back in the game, finding my destiny or at least writing the next chapter of my personal story. I have been phoning, texting and running for clothes and reaching out for help over the last three weeks and it paid off in a uniquely magical way. All that support and trust hasn’t been there a year ago and I feel honored about the confidence those people gave my in my work or world view. I needed the time of separation, loneliness and the failed attempts to find my direction. Now I’m directing again and I feel happy, satisfied and envisioning a future full of even more excitement.
♘ ♔ ♕ ♛ ♚ ♞
There are so many wishes on the board, my family and I created just before New Year’s Eve, as sort of mission or framework for the next year and in fact most of it had already manifested. Back in Berlin after our winter solstice, my life started to turn into a bright firework of the arts, culture and I found myself surrounded by people with philosophical thoughts which simply inspired me on my missionary vision: „going high, when everyone goes low“. Believing in miracles and never giving up hope or the will to work for it. Seems like a small thing to so many people, but it has shown me who I was and who I aspire to be: simply me.
My whole body and soul filled with love and gratitude, for myself and most importantly for others. At the same time I’ve never been more focussed and willing to grow and expanding my borders beyond my imagination. I had invested sweat, tears, money, blood and forced myself to work harder and be patient on the highest level, without loosing track or be ahead of my time too much. But since every good thing comes at a price—or at least it seem so—I am in love again.
WHO ARE YOU?
Not just with my arts, but with something in someone, which I don’t quite understand yet. This feeling, meeting someone unexpectedly and falling into a purple trance, while I basically told my family’s history of mental illnesses, without any judgement by my encounter, is definitely new for me and my imagination again, is running wild out of the blue. What unfortunately always remains—no matter how hard I work—is the fear of getting hurt all over again. In my private life, as in business decisions; there always has been a high price to pay for me, when it came to one or the other path.
☜ ★ ☥ ☆ ☞
Be careful what you wish for and if things in love may getting serious, my job must be the first priority to choose. Will I ever be able to have it all? Or is it just the wrong time for one of those three things? Most certainly not my career and the chance to grow or earn a decent payment for the hard work. I literally went from having no choice to the infinite universal catalogue of decisions to make and wonder, what will happen, if I could only shut down my brain for a bit and focus on how I feel? Besides restless and exhausted; I feel running towards my goal or away from something…
Or in this case someone. He was on the wish list and arrived just in time, while I was thinking I already had enough universal favors on my way to the next step in the magical realm. He was enchanting me in the very first second, while I was arriving fifteen minutes late on the phone with my mother and almost burned him twice with my cigarettes. He asked so many questions, bares deeper thoughts than I can envision yet and is about to find his artistic way, overcoming his struggles. In other words, he just at the beginning of his life’s journey. I am settled, filled with countless thoughts, taking action and let ideas become true. But I’m actually not fully present enough to getting to know him in his whole spectrum of colors. The worst thing about the capital question in my head is the answer: I simply don’t want to lose him, regardless if he becomes my boyfriend or just a friend. ☆